Starting Over

Thank God for do-overs. This morning, I raised my voice so that my kid would get dressed so that we could go to the gym and have fun. I felt like a jerk. I was standing there saying hurry up, I told you we needed to go. Why do I have to raise my voice?

I had to ask myself why? I suppose I had run out of tools. I created a little crisis to get the energy moving. Only problem, it through me off center. I don't like to be on the receiving end of someone's fake crisis. It is really uncomfortable to feel like the other person is forcing me join me in their crisis.

Anyway, I created this crisis for the kid so we could get to the drum class on time. Kiddo got upset, but so did I. I felt like Mickey Mouse in Fantasia when he becomes the sorcerer. With a flip of the wrist, he creates a mighty wave which impresses him. Then, the water completely overtakes him.

I summoned the energy to make someone behave the way I wanted, then I felt awash in anxiety as if I should make the rest of the day conform to my will. Oddly enough, nothing went well. When we got to the gym, I learned that we should have signed up 24 hours in advance. I had pushed for nothing. I felt guilty, and I had too much juice. I just couldn't settle down. My serenity had been swept away in a wave of contrived crisis.

I spent the morning trying to catch my breath. There seemed to be at least 15 things which needed attention right now. I was in react mode.

Meditation gave me a way to start over, even though it was kind of nutty. I know I had at least 4 breaths that didn't involve thinking. I'll take it.

I told the kid, "You know, I didn't like raising my voice. What is another way I could let you know that we need to get going? How 'bout a special word like popcorn?"

"Mommy, just say - we have to get going."

"So the next time we need to roll, I should just say, we have to get going?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Let's give it a try."

We ended up having a great afternoon painting the house with Crayola paints, playing wiffle ball, and jumping in the bounce area. After dinner we road bikes up and down the side walk.