Change or Die

Suffocation is not the way I want to die. Not at all. I have not always thought this way, but in the last few years I have gotten very clear about not wanting to die by suffocation. But why do I feel this way, I wondered.

Turns out, I have been suffocating a little bit every night in my sleep. I have sleep apnea. I had the sleep study and I have seen the printouts recording me not breathing several times per night. I also have records of my oxygen levels which drop very low.

I must have this belief because I know exactly what it would feel like to suffocate. I don't like it.

I tried the CPAP machine. The hose slapped me in the head every time I moved. Also, my room is cold at night and the humidity gathers in the top of the mask and rained on me every night. I also know a little bit about what it would be like to be water-boarded. No thanks.

I was told to try an oral appliance. I found an oral surgeon with terrific credentials who makes such things and accepts my insurance. They actually only accept my secondary insurance so I went into this process knowing I was going to pay for 80% plus other stuff that wouldn't be covered at all.

And so began our relationship.

They made me the appliance and it worked pretty well. Then we started fine tuning. There were some major lab errors, miscommunication, and misunderstandings. At one point, my jaw was so messed up that only my two front teeth would touch. Despite all of the challenges, the appliance did help some so the worst part of the pain was that I couldn't wear the thing. Those nights were just like most of the last 20 years, sleepless, except now my body had a taste of a good night sleep. My body was demanding rest.

After two or three nights without adequate rest, I became desperate, overwhelmed, and frightened that I would be sentenced to live out my days without rest. So, I did what I do when I feel frightened and powerless. I tried to control.

I started building my case. I watched all the bills come in and lamented how the charges were adding up with no solution. I gnashed my teeth and wrung my hands over the wasted gas. And they still couldn't get it right. The self-righteousness kicked in big time, and I was getting really angry.

I walked in there demanding that they fix it. I felt resentful every time I had to go to the office for them to try and fix. So basically, I had my right foot to the floor on the gas pedal, and my left foot to the floor on the brake pedal. I was totally revved up, wasting gas and stuck.

Since I walked into the office demanding a solution, everyone in the office stopped looking me in the eye. I could see and feel their pity. I hate pity. Pity says, "I'm better than you, you poor pathetic thing. Your situation is just terrible, awful. I wish there was something we could do for you, but you are beyond human aid."

The dentist called me a problem child. I'm sure he was joking. I wanted to press his throat.

It seemed to me that they did not know what they were doing. They were ruining my teeth and jaw, depriving me of sleep, and charging me a couple thousand dollars plus travel expenses. And, they were making fun of me. I had lost perspective.

I had to admit; I didn't know what to do.

I lost confidence in them, and I lost confidence in my ability to avail myself good care.

I prayed for a miracle.

Then, I called the insurance company to find out about filing a complaint that would result in me not having to pay for this experience. I found out that I can file a complaint, but then I will have no sleep and a long, drawn out hassle with no guarantee that I could get out of paying for what had been done so far.

I also called a couple of other offices who had doctors or dentists who do this sort of thing. These other people said that they made this appliances, but they did not specialize in making them for sleep apnea. Plus, the others wouldn't take my insurance.

I thought about it. Treating sleep apnea with dental appliances is what he does all day long. He is a diplomate for the professional academy of folks who treat sleep apnea with dental appliances. He does accept my insurance.

I figured, I am already into this mess. Let's see what happens.

I called my guy, left a message. He actually called me back. I prayed, and told him how I felt when he called me the problem child. I told him I was concerned about the rising costs. I told him that since acrylic was chipping off of my appliance into my hand, I wasn't so sure it would last.

He apologized. He told me his plan to help me. Then he told me he would make me a new appliance for free.

I thanked him, but I still didn't know what to do. I hate that.

I asked myself what my part in this situation really was. I was blaming them. I needed to stay in the office until I felt comfortable with the changes they had made, even if I felt like I was taking up too much of their time. I wasn't communicating either.

I set aside the case I had been building. I went over there having made the decision that I would show up believing that we were going to work this out together. I knew I couldn't force the solution, but I brought my best attitude.

I got my miracle.

The entire office staff was so kind to me. They listened and spent extra time with me. They answered my questions. They talked to me like I mattered. They told me that they hadn't given up on anybody yet. The doc said that he would make me a new appliance and then he would fix the old one to match the new one. Yes, I am paying more than I thought I would, but I am getting a $2000 appliance for free.

As she was making new molds of my teeth, the assistant shared with me that she had experienced a miscarriage one month ago. I got it. I understood why she was offering me pity. She was having her own sorrow and pain. Pity was the best she could do under those circumstances. She probably couldn't be confident because her confidence had just taken a huge hit. She was powerless too.

I have heard that we should be kind to others because every one of them is fighting some kind of battle. Having experienced a miscarriage 12 years ago, I knew a bit about what she was going through. I was devastated when it happened to me.

I talked a little about my experience of losing a baby. I didn't pity her at all. I just wanted her to know that I knew what it was like. We were equals.

When I left, I felt like I had been to a completely different office. The only that had changed was me and my attitudes.

I felt so happy and grateful. I can change. I have other options beside cut my losses and run. For the longest time, I had two choices in stressful times - fight or run. It felt so good to have some other choices. This way of thinking makes every disagreement a crisis. What an insane way to live.

There is no guarantee that the new appliance will work better, but I know that I can take of myself while being respectful. I don't have to feel resentful about going to the office. I can be as serene as I decide to be.

I could have created a huge dramatic mess of this situation; I was on my way. Instead, I got proof that my new way of thinking and acting works. Sanity has returned to my life because today I can learn from my mistakes and try something new.

I feel like a grown-up. My kiddo has a grown-up for a mother. Aren't we lucky?