I am feeling emotionally constipated. I have some things on my mind. A good friend of mine is in the hospital. The next two weeks mark the losses of my dear grandmother, and my first baby. I will be attending the wedding of my niece whose sister was killed last October.
I think I want to cry, but I'm not ready. Mostly, I am reminding myself to breathe. I have been affirming that I rest in God. I am almost able to recall that God created all of the people involved here and that God's love is eternal, and, therefore, so are they.
I miss my family and I want my friend to come home from the hospital and have coffee with me like we do every Monday. I really want this all to be resolved tonight. This is perhaps the biggest source of pain - wanting to be in control of the schedule, of the whole thing really.
When I feel emotionally constipated, I don't want to breathe or pray because when I do, it hurts worse. I feel like a little kid who is not getting her way and so I am holding my breath until things resolve the way I want them to. In other words, I am having a sorrow-induced temper tantrum.
Just writing that is helping the whole thing seem more workable. I think I'm going to set a goal of breathing deeply and feeling whatever comes up for the rest of this evening.
If you feel like it, say a prayer for my friend, oh heck, and for me too.
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