I Don't Have Erectile Dysfunction

If I had erectile dysfunction, all of my medical problems would be solved. Doesn't it seem that the medical community nipped that whole mess in the bud while other public health concerns go unattended. Makes you wonder what the priorities are.

For years I have held the naive belief that if you didn't feel good, you could go to the doctor and they would fix it. Not so much.

A while back, I had unexplained, chronic low-grade fevers for a year. I dragged myself to doctor's offices alternately dripping with sweat or trembling with chills. I went to specialist after specialist. They would read my questionnaire, look at my throat and listen to my heart and say, "We can't help you. It must be your mental illness."

Finally, in desperation, I went to see the doctor who took care of me when I was 7 years old. When I met him, he was the young hotshot just out of Yale. He had kids younger than me. Now he is bald and his kids are out of college. He looked at all of my labs and said, "You have too much thyroid hormone. Your body has corrected the thyroid problem and you no longer need to take it. Stop the synthroid. That should take care of it."

It did.

After 1 year of all these genius specialists telling me that the problem was in my head, a simple General Practitioner got it - without blaming me.

I wish that experience had been isolated, but no.

I went to see another sleep doctor today. I had really hoped that she would shed some light on my situation and offer me some alternatives. She didn't. Instead, she stomped out of the room. When she returned, she sketched a simple chart for me, which she wrote upside down, of what the possible causes of my fatigue could be. You don't have this or that or that or that. She basically told me how wrong I was because I didn't fit into her lab normal diagnostic tools. Plus, she didn't come close to listing all the possible causes of fatigue that I know about.

I got the distinct impression that she felt powerless to help me so she blamed me for it. She also blamed my doctor for not knowing how to help me and then, in her opinion, pushing me off onto her. She said that all of my future sleep needs should be addressed with my psychiatrist. The one she just said doesn't know how to help me.

Once when I was upset with someone else's behavior, a wise person asked me, "Why did you pick up the lizard?" He explained. A person has a lizard, a really heavy, stinky one. Not a nice lizard. She looks around, asking herself, "Who could I get to take this lizard so I don't have to deal with it?"

She approaches her target. "I have this horrible lizard. I can't take it. I don't know what to do. Here, you take it."

Or she says, "Would you hold this lizard for me please?"

Another variation: "This lizard is so great, I couldn't possibly share it with you."

The target takes the lizard. She doesn't know she has a choice. She picks up the lizard because she thinks that if someone offers you a stinky lizard, you always have to take it.

I left the sleep doc's office pretty shaken up. Here we go again. I was about to jump off of the ledge of sanity into my own litany of blame and unfairness. I reached inside myself to look for the lizard that lives inside of me.

Then I thought about it. Even though the information was presented in a way which I found condescending and rude, the news was good. Most of Western medicine seeks to rule things out. I don't have narcolepsy, or restless leg syndrome. I don't have hepatitis. I don't have AIDS. I don't have chicken pox. I don't have tuberculosis. I don't have halitosis. I don't have ring-worm. I don't have athlete's foot. I don't have lice. I don't have mange. I don't have erectile dysfunction.What a relief. What a blessing to not have those things. I don't need to pull a lizard out of my butt and carry it around all weekend.

Nor do I have to pick up a lizard from anyone else. That doctor was carrying the lizard of frustration over her own powerlessness. She obviously doesn't deal well with not knowing what to do. She tried to hand her powerlessness, frustration and pain over to me.

I will not carry it. I do not have to pick up that smelly, heavy lizard she drags around to throw at folks that she says she can't help - folks who are already hurting.

I will deal with my own sense of powerlessness and frustration. God has given me all the tools necessary to sit with not knowing. I don't have to like it, but I don't need to force a solution, even though I sometimes wish I could.

On the drive home, I called a friend. She listened. It didn't take away the discomfort, but I knew I wasn't alone. I got home, took a nap, and made dinner. Then the family headed out to Liberty Custard for dessert. I had black cherry Italian ice which turned my tongue black, no foolin'. I hit a couple really solid line drives in the back yard with my husband. Hit a couple foul balls into the neighbor's yard too.

I reviewed a couple things that I do know.

Specialists are great and even necessary, but, the body doesn't know that it's systems are separate and specialized. A girl's got to have someone who can see the big picture too, like my wise old doc from elementary school.

I know that prayer and meditation sustain me even when I can't sleep. I can be serene and happy even when I don't feel good.

I know that my current supplements have allowed me to be productive all day long. What proof? I'm writing at 11:00 at night.

Exercise makes me feel strong and confident. It also clears my mind.

I feel more rested when I use my oral appliance at night.

Writing works. Friends help.

God loves me like I am an only child. God loves everybody else as if they were only children too.

I don't know why I never feel truly rested and refreshed. But I do know I don't have erectile dysfunction, and neither does my husband. We are richly blessed indeed.