No Put Downs, Just Put Ups

My kid got the first 2-wheeler, plus 2 training wheels yesterday. This was thrilling for all of us, especially my husband whose favorite pastime is biking. He got a little moist watching one of the inaugural runs.

We were having a grand time. I was laughing and clapping as the kiddo practiced starting and stopping and turning around. There were three minor blowouts on the turns, but no blood.

We were joined by a neighbor boy who saw the new bike from across the street and announnced, "My bike is way better than yours." Then he counted the ways.

I was sitting on the front step with the phone on my ear, on hold with Qwest. I cautioned, "Keep riding." I really hoped that somehow this situation would go differently. Isn't that what they call denial? I watched this boy verbally piss on my kid's new bike.

I was angry. I have been angry with this family for a year.

Mostly, I was afraid that if I spoke to the boy that I would invite the wrath of his parents. I find these people emotionally abusive, and erratic. Every time I leave their company, I feel slimed. These people are the biggest bullies I have ever known.

After a very long summer last year of me trying to make nice, I did the only thing I could think of - I stayed away. If they come out, we go in. It has gone well, especially since we haven't been outside for 6 months. I have managed not to speak to any of them since last fall, until today.

I have prayed for these people. I have visualized white light around them. I have affirmed their innocence. I have tried to focus on the good in them, but I am tired of their behavior.

Just writing this makes me feel sick with resentment. To date, the only thing that made sense to me was to retreat. Last fall I told my kid, "We aren't going to spend any time with them anymore because we want to be treated with kindness and respect. We deserve to be treated with respect." Kiddo agreed.

I was mad. I knew I had to let it go. I called a friend and shared my anger. Puked it up, actually. Not surprisingly, it escalated. I forgot that staying in the moment would have been to feel the anger and let it pass without making it real. Oops.

I asked for a miracle.

Then another friend called. She shared with me that in her family there is a "No Put Downs" zone. If anyone in or around her family starts belittling anyone, they simply say, "No put downs. Just put ups."

The thought of having another way to deal with difficult people was so mind blowing that I had to write it down.

No Put Downs. The thought that I could claim this truth is radical. Could the solution be so simple? Usually, for me, they are just that simple. I'm just too jammed up to see it.

I feel scared to try it. I would prefer to use a large, tangible stick instead of an affirmation, but seems like lately the answers to my most difficult problems come in the form of these simple, implausible solutions. Sit instead of run. Forgive instead of resent. Feel instead of talk. Listen instead of fix. Change the subject instead of confront.

I could see the No Put Downs zone working, but only of I were detached from the situation. In other words, not keeping score, blaming, or harboring old feelings of hurt and victimization. Now that would be a miracle.

So, if there are only Put Ups, what woud that look like?

I heard recently that if you want to experience uninterrupted joy, celebrate the joys of others. If I am happy for other's blessings, I will always be happy. This is the root of happiness.

Do we teach our children this principle or do they already know it? I suspect that each of us has both joy and jealousy hard-wired in us. We can choose either one at any time.

I want my kid to see me choose joy, and, choose it for herself as the default setting; therefore, we celebrate.

God bless us all.