Selfish! Who Me?

I really can be selfish. I've known this fact for some time, but I never saw it in quite this way. My husband and I bought a starter home a few years ago that was in need of a lot of attention. I participated in this fantasy that we would fix it up and then sell it.

My fantasy was that my husband would do all of the work, and I would make lunch. Not only did I have a fixed idea of how the work would get done, but I also had a timeframe in mind - yesterday.

My main strategy to get my husband to do what I want, when I want it done is control. This control has many forms. For example, we procured a wooden swingset at no cost for our kid. Again, I made the plan; he was supposed to execute it immediately.

The swingset is in the garage. Summer slips by quickly in Minnesota. This is the beginning of my case against my husband. I start the conversation: what day are you going to gather your friends and put up the swingset for kiddo? You better get it on the calendar because people book up. Oh I am so crafty. Doesn't sound like control, does it? Hmmm.

Then the nagging begins. When, when, when, when? All of these when's are spaced out over several weeks.

Next, the kid is outside playing on the large posts splayed on the backyard sidewalk that are too short to use. He says: get away from those posts; you'll hurt yourself. I say: that's the swingset; she likes it. If you don't want her to play on it, move them. Trust me, I said it kind of nasty.

Over the last months, the more I pushed for a resolution, the less he wanted to resolve it. I wonder why? Perhaps most folks are not inspired by sideways comments and demands for agreements.

I called a friend for sanity. He said to go to the lumber yard and get the posts. They would load them into my car, and we could carry them to the back yard. This sounded logical. If I wanted some movement regarding this situation, I had to get moving. I blurted out before I could sensor myself: But I don't want to do anything! I don't want to learn how to do this stuff! I want it to get done all by itself!

Typically, I would have edited those last thoughts so that I wouldn't have to see my own selfishness. I am not in the habit of acknowledging these type of character traits unless my back is in the corner. Even then, it was more like "uncle" than, "yes, you are right."

Meditation has shown me some truly beautiful, surprising things about myself. There has been tenderness, loving-kindness, faith, joy and more.

I have also opened to some other aspects of my character like pettiness, anger, crabbiness, and, now, selfishness. The good news is that I actually laughed out loud at my temper fit about not wanting to do anything. So there it is. All of my pushing and shoving to force a solution. Again.

Thank goodness that all of it is no big deal. The things I like and the things I don't like are the same. The difference is that with meditation, I can accept it all, little by slowly.

I hung up the phone, deciding that I would let it go and talk about it another time when I could be more loving without an agenda.

My husband walked in the room with sort of a plan. I think there was room for him to do this because I let go, and gave him a moment of psychic space.

I, in turn, took out some of the trash.