I've been wondering lately what it would be like to live in a world where there was no second guessing of myself. Seems like I have reviewed every exchange I have had with every person I meet. How did that go? How did I act could I have done that better? Ugh. It is very exhausting. And boring. And comforting. And slightly strange. Definitely beyond constructive.
Most embarrassing of all, I sometimes do this review out loud. My husband has actually caught me repeating entire conversations with myself where I act out my part as well as the other person's under my breath. He'll ask me, "What?" Oh nothing. I feel scared even writing this for fear someone take my kid away.
I seem to be creating my own personal reality show. I was the star, director, producer, and narrator. So the review would begin, was that exchange worth mentioning to my friend? Would this one make the cut in terms of entertainment value? I always felt that I had to have something really fascinating and sexy to share or no one would listen. Maybe this is why I like the Bravo & the E channel so much. Reality, but better.
Even if I didn't think something was worthy of repeating to someone else, I would repeat them to myself as filler in my inner reality series. I think it used to be comforting to live the past; it was over and wouldn't change when everything else was so unknown and scary. I knew how the story ended. The current moment was new and therefore not to be trusted. Something really fun and spontaneous was just too big a risk. I'd rather have nothing happen at all than have it turn out not to my liking.
Meditation seems to be increasing my tolerance for not knowing. Still the events with peaks and valleys seem to be most likely for review.
Today, I shared some stuff with a group of about 70 people. I feel pretty satisfied with what I said, but I took some risks. I actually claimed my happiness in front of all of them. I said, "I am happy. I have never been happier. This is what I've always wanted." As I said it I was afraid that someone would criticize my happiness and then I wouldn't get to be happy anymore. Being at the effect of someone else's actions or reactions is an old habit of mine.
So, I felt vulnerable. I spoke the truth as I see it today. I put it out there, no bullshit.
I also felt quite elated. I was done. This fact contributed greatly to the elation. Also, taking a risk, revealing the things I like about myself as well as the things aren't so pretty is pretty thrilling. I think it's probably the most dangerous thing I do anymore.
After I was finished, I said to myself, let's not review the whole thing. Let's move on with your day. The producer came in anyway, but today I know that there was nothing wrong with what I said. I was thinking because I didn't want to feel the vulnerability and elation. It was pretty intense so I naturally control with thoughts of the past.
I did myself a favor and went to coffee with some of the folks who were there. The conversation was very grounding. It was fun to celebrate. I had a couple hours to myself. I decided to continue the celebration of progress. I treated myself to lunch and a trip to the bookstore. I was able to have a nice lunch all by myself without a complete internal video replay. It was so fun. Good food, good coffee and good books. These are a few of my favorite things.
Letting this old habit go is sort of like the landing of a plane. It comes in for a landing and touches down. It bounces up and touches down again and again until it rolls to a stop. If the plane just landed, it would be totally jarring to everyone on board. When I think of this habit of reviewing the past as in the process of landing, it's manageable. I can relax knowing it will land in time.
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