Why Meditate?

I have spent the last few days working with a sore heart. I really like being present when I like it; I don't like being present when it is painful.

Why meditate? My answer is focused on results: to have a clear, peaceful mind and heart and to never experience feelings that I don't like. I want to feel safe and loved continuously. Also, I would like to be practically perfect in every way and know the exact right thing to do at all times.

This definintion has resulted in my total failure to meditate, and, thus, experience very little peace and plenty of feelings that I don't like. I also have the bonus of a lot of unwanted, destructive behavior toward self and others.

I am throwing out my answer to the question, and trying another way:

1. To foster a friendly, steadfastness with myself. A really strong friendship where you stay friends, even when the friend behaves in a way that I don't like.

2. To have clarity about the moment and myself to which I will apply the aforementioned friendliness.

3. To be present and work with emotional distress, instead of numbing out.

Now, there is very little opportunity to fail. The only way to meditate wrong, is to not do it all. This is helpful.

Being present, friendly and clear has allowed me to notice some wrong ideas experience their correction. I felt God using me as the right person for a certain job. I liked this stuff. It's easy to write about.

A couple of days ago, I noticed an old feeling. The first time I remember this feeling, I was growing up.

The feeling is an empty, soreness, like a dry socket in my heart. It is really painful.

When I first felt this way, I thought - something is wrong. I must be a bad person to feel this awful. I must have done something bad. I thought maybe if I figured out what was wrong that I could fix it and then I wouldn't have to feel this way again.

I began a journey of solving the problem. Either I am lacking. There is something I don't have (a boyfriend, girlfriends, love, thinness, beauty, etc.), and, if I can get it, I will be at perfect peace. Or, there is something I am doing for which I am being punished. If I can figure it out and apologize, I will be okay.

I couldn't have been more wrong. The truth is, there is no problem. Whatever I am feeling just needs to be witnessed and released.

The last few days I have been suffering so much that I haven't been able to write about it. The heaviness is uninspiring.

I have kept up with my meditation, and I do not feel like a failure because I am back to the same old soreness. I am doing my best to treat it like an sick, old dog. I make a fire, put down a rug, and rub beind it's ears. I make him comfortable. We enjoy the peace and warmth of the fire together. I do not leave the dog just because it is sick. I stay with him even though it is painful to see him in such agony. I love this animal so much that I don't want him to be alone in this pain.

Yesterday, I asked God to be with me while I am feeling this pain. I affirmed that other peopel feel this way. I proclaimed that all is well, despite the conflicting evidence.

There has been a softening to the pain. Knowing that I am growing in friendliness, clarity and distress tolerance, little by slowly actually is a comfort. I never thought that progress would be enough in the face of suffering. I am so grateful to have been wrong.